Gentlemen, the situation is far more serious than we first thought.

Now, there’s no need for panic, no need for panic. Whatever we do here – we mustn’t PANIC!! I really don’t think what I saw yesterday at the Pentecost celebration is particularly a problem – but, I do admit the potential is there.

I was optimistic when Peter and the others turned up at the synagogue to celebrate ‘Pentecost’ “Great”, I thought, “here’s a chance to bring Jesus’ followers back into the fold. Let them rediscover their orthodox roots and through the celebration of a proper Jewish festival! Why not the festival to celebrate the giving of the Torah to Moses at Sinai and celebrate the harvest. Fantastic!”

To be honest, I’m not absolutely sure what exactly did happen. It was so fast. One thing I do realize now is that these disciples – Peter, Jimmy, Bart, the Zebedee boys and the others are far slicker and more clever than we gave them credit. I should’ve seen it coming. Look how well they’ve manipulated things since we moved against Jesus 2 months ago.

I admit when I saw Jesus die, I thought that was it. I thought we’d confined the whole Jesus movement to the annuls of history. Gone, wiped out. Jesus was dead. Our only link to the plot, Judas, had suicided and the other disciples had scampered!

The first setback was when Jesus’ body disappeared out that hole. And then the rumours started that Jesus was alive.

It was pretty helpful that the reports were from the likes of Mary, Mary and that Magdalene woman –– Mary wasn’t it – all followers of Jesus and thus with an obvious vested interest in proclaiming he was alive. Better still – they were all women! And we know what a woman’s testimony is worth in this wonderful man's world of ours – a big fat zero!

But then when men began to chime in and say they also saw Jesus. It was starting to get out of hand. Thanks to Yitzaac over here, we countered that with the rumour that Jesus’ body was stolen. It had some impact as well. We could settle this once and for all if only we could turn up a corpse!

So, everything was going fine – not perfect, but OK. We’d withstood the challenge by this Jesus to reinterpret the Word of God, corrected the heresies he spread, and most importantly we’d preserved our wonderful tradition intact.

I should have known when I got to the synagogue that this group hadn’t really changed. For a start, there were all these ‘outsiders’ present. Foreigners - heaps of them – from Cyrene, Parthia, Mede and Pamphylia - all gibbering on in their own Godless languages! It was a regular Tower of Babel. And of course, the other usual suspects were there along with that Barmy Bartimaus, and that useless Zaccaeus. So was Lazarus - he’s sure put on weight, Mary Magdalene and her lying friends – and an assortment of poor and no hopers. There were all sorts – people from other religions, people living immoral lives who do detestable things in the eyes of the Lord – you know, the kinds of people under God judgement!

The first indication something strange was going on was when this wind came from nowhere. It nearly knocked me over –– blew dust up into my eyes and made the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up! It was sudden and strong.

I managed to get the sand out of my eyes. When I looked around - I couldn’t believe what I saw.

I don’t know how the disciples managed it – but I swear I saw it myself - all of them had what looked like flames on their heads. Little flames – about the size of my big toe - merrily burning away on their heads without their hair going “phoof”!

What a clever little trick, I thought. Then it struck me what they were doing. With their captive audience who couldn’t understand a word they said – they were going to use tricks and symbols.

Do you remember that time in the Temple 3 years ago when Jesus stood up and read from the Isaiah scroll? He said that the Spirit of God was with him - that he’d come to declare Good News to the Poor - the Year of Restoration, Jublee. That’s what this was all about!

Think about it – The sudden gust of wind - God’s breath, God’s Spirit! And of course, the flames – evokes all those stories of God in the burning bush – the pillar of fire that protected the people of Israel as they fled from Pharoah. These disciples were manipulating the crowd. They were declaring that a new age had arrived – God is here – God’s Spirit is within us!

I couldn’t let it continue. No way! It was time for a little public exposure of some party tricks! I dived at the nearest disciple I saw –– Andrew. Crash tackled him off the platform he was standing on into the dirt. You should have seen the surprised look on his face. I was searching his scalp to get the flaming candle or oil he had there when I was set upon by this bunch of gabbling guys who are yelling at me in Mesopotamian…….

……did I mention by the way that Andrew was speaking Mesopotamian. In fact, all of Jesus’ disciples were babbling away in a stack of languages – I recognised some of them – Egyptian, Cappodocian, Phrygian - where the heck they learnt to speak these languages, I don’t know. I mean, most of them were nothing more than poorly educated fishermen!

Apparently they were all talking about this wonderful God and this Jesus and all sorts of revolutionary and heretical ideas. Doing it, mind you, in these other languages. Crazy stuff!

Oh, about the flame on the head – never discovered how they did that either. All I got for my wrestling match with Andrew was a burnt pinky and a thorough roughing up by a bunch of indignant Mesopotamians! Still don’t know how they did it.

This was such a well-orchestrated event. Must have had hypnotists or make-up artists from the theatre in Jericho. Heck, if I didn’t know better, you’d almost have me believing that God was at work there! They were good, I’ll give ‘em that!

We simply have to step up efforts to squash this ‘movement’ or whatever you want to call it. I mean, they’re crazy. The way they’ve hijacked our ‘Penetecost’ celebration and somehow managed to stage all these ‘manifestations’ to great effect is a reason not to underestimate them.

The crowds who see them - they’re convinced it’s God at work. And their ‘community’ is even beginning to take the caring for the poor and rejected seriously. They say God’s Spirit is within them and they have no choice. Reports suggest that they’re actually opening their homes to the poor, sharing their food and money with one another, they’re even collecting money and sending it to other communities who need it. They affirm women and give them leadership positions - blatantly violating the order of Creation. They include foreigners and the disabled as equals. Worst – and most dangerously of all - they keep saying that God’s Spirit is at work. I mean, it can’t be tolerated!!

Don’t let their peaceful, merciful exterior – and their talk of God’s love - fool you. They are the most serious threat we’ve ever faced.

Who do these followers of Jesus think they are? They pervert God’s word. They spread false doctrine! They lead people from the purity of the truth. ……and they challenge and threaten the very pillars upon which our country and our faith is grounded. They twist and pervert the word of God so much that God ends up accepting the unacceptable and loving the people God’s Law clearly condemns! Do they show any respect for the Law and the traditions? Do they actually know the Word of God? No –– they just reinterpret it all to serve their own ends. This Jesus once even reduced the Law to two things –– love God and each other!! I ask you. We’d all be out of a job if it were that simple –– and they accept sinners!! Serial sinners. Repeat sinners!! And people which God has made very clear HE doesn’t ACCEPT!

If we allow them to continue, they’ll grow and spread. They’ll change the rules! They’ll abolish the rules. They’ll take away our power! They’ll undermine the authority of the Word of God. They’ll open the doors of our religion and God to not just anyone – but EVERYONE!!

Getting rid of Jesus clearly wasn’t enough. Like I said – there’s no need to panic. But we do have to be pro-active and decisive in our response.

I advocate a shock and awe campaign. We’ll send in our best man to deal with them. He’s one of our most highly qualified legal minds. Yes, let’s put Saul in charge of shutting ‘em down.

He ruthless. He knows his stuff – in a theological debate, he can out argue anyone. And he certainly knows where a woman’s place is. So, gentlemen. We’re upping the ante on crushing this movement.

Mind you, we still need to tread carefully – the political climate in this place is pretty volatile. But as far as this Jesus movement goes – I know Saul’s our man. He’ll do the job!! They’ll no more be able to influence him than make a blind man see, or change his name!

© Copyright Marl Altmann - adapted by Rev. K.W. Stiller.